ARIA Creative Conflict Engagement SOLO

The following survey is designed to support you as you reflect on tensions in an important interpersonal relationship in your life. The main purpose of this exercise is to start transforming these tensions into opportunities for learning and constructive change as a solo exercise - with, for and by yourself.

To start this solo exploration for self reflection and insight, take a moment to center yourself and consider: WHAT is deeply important to you in this issue with another? WHY? Once you feel some calm, jot down your responses below. These responses are for you; no one else need ever see them unless you choose to share them.

Next, you are invited to consider, with your mind and heart: WHAT do you think is going on for them? WHY does it matter so much to them?

Taking another's perspective, however, doesn't necessarily mean accepting it. However, it is probably one of the most important steps you can take to gain more insight into the situation, your responses to it and choices about it. It may, for example, lead you to wanting to inquire about it with the other. Or, it may lead you to feeling clearer about the situation and even making more peace with it, as it is. Generally, it can help you view the situation with "fresh eyes."

Next, you will be guided to frame the issue in new ways. In what way might it be primarily a dispute over concrete and specific things that you can settle through negotiation? Or, is it mostly a problem, different goals or agendas, that you might solve through cooperative problem solving? Or, more than anything, is it an identity-based conflict you might learn and grow from?

This analytical process could be all you need to help you go forward and creatively engage the issues yourself - with your own attitudes and choices about your future interactions with this other. Disputes, problems and conflict often bind us; this exercise can free you up a bit and provide you with some insight into the situation and foresight about how to move next (e.g. gaining new perspectives, imagining a new encounter, having a conversation, getting some distance, getting some internal peace, etc).

Or, you might ask for help. After completing this exercise, you might choose to share your reflections with a friend or an ally, with me or another professional third party who could serve to support you as a personal coach or mediator (in which case the other side would be asked to do this solo exercise). I strongly advise you to get some third-party perspective if, during your analysis, you determine that this is primarily an "Identity-Based Conflict" for either or both of you.

I suggest you print out your data and spend time reviewing your Whys and your thoughts about theirs. Are they similar? Different? What do you sense about this?

Please email me when you have completed this survey so I can send you a copy. Also, you can let me know if you would like to schedule a free 30-45 minute debrief with me at: jrothman@ariagroup.com.

Jay Rothman

Conductor

The ARIA Group

www.ariagroup.com

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* 1. In order to receive a copy of your survey responses, please enter your email below. Also, please email me to let me know to send your responses to you. If you would like to have a conversation with me about the survey results, let me know if you would like me to review your responses in advance of a conversation. If not, I will not read them and will delete after I return them to you.

Name

Profession

Country

Email Address

Part One: WHAT is going on for you?

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* 2. With whom are you having an issue that you would like to explore here?

Partner

Parent

Child

Other family member

Friend

Neighbor

Colleague

Boss

Employee

Other

Other (please specify)

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* 3. WHAT is going on? Briefly describe one main issue that is troubling you in your relationship with this person, including what has happened and how long it has it been going on. Do you blame the other side for it?

DIAGNOSIS: Questions to determine if it is primarily a Resource Dispute, a Goal Problem or an Identity-Based Conflict:

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* 4. Is it Primarily a Resource-Based Dispute?

	Yes (2)	Somewhat (1)	No (0)
Is this dispute about competition over scarce resources (e.g. time or money, material goods or services)?	Is this dispute about competition over scarce resources (e.g. time or money, material goods or services)? Yes (2)	Is this dispute about competition over scarce resources (e.g. time or money, material goods or services)? Somewhat (1)	Is this dispute about competition over scarce resources (e.g. time or money, material goods or services)? No (0)
Do you find yourself in arguments over who gets what and when?	Do you find yourself in arguments over who gets what and when? Yes (2)	Do you find yourself in arguments over who gets what and when? Somewhat (1)	Do you find yourself in arguments over who gets what and when? No (0)
If necessary resources were unlimited or better shared, would the dispute go away?	If necessary resources were unlimited or better shared, would the dispute go away? Yes (2)	If necessary resources were unlimited or better shared, would the dispute go away? Somewhat (1)	If necessary resources were unlimited or better shared, would the dispute go away? No (0)
Can you pinpoint specific resources that the dispute is about?	Can you pinpoint specific resources that the dispute is about? Yes (2)	Can you pinpoint specific resources that the dispute is about? Somewhat (1)	Can you pinpoint specific resources that the dispute is about? No (0)

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* 5. Is it Primarily a Goal-Based Problem?

	Yes (2)	Somewhat (1)	No (0)
Do you seem to have incompatible goals or agendas?	Do you seem to have incompatible goals or agendas? Yes (2)	Do you seem to have incompatible goals or agendas? Somewhat (1)	Do you seem to have incompatible goals or agendas? No (0)
Do you and the other side seem to have different preferred futures?	Do you and the other side seem to have different preferred futures? Yes (2)	Do you and the other side seem to have different preferred futures? Somewhat (1)	Do you and the other side seem to have different preferred futures? No (0)
Have you found it hard to communicate your priorities to this person?	Have you found it hard to communicate your priorities to this person? Yes (2)	Have you found it hard to communicate your priorities to this person? Somewhat (1)	Have you found it hard to communicate your priorities to this person? No (0)
Do you think your goals and objectives are zero sum (i.e. either you get them met or they do)?	Do you think your goals and objectives are zero sum (i.e. either you get them met or they do)? Yes (2)	Do you think your goals and objectives are zero sum (i.e. either you get them met or they do)? Somewhat (1)	Do you think your goals and objectives are zero sum (i.e. either you get them met or they do)? No (0)

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* 6. Is it Primarily an Identity-Based Conflict?

	Yes (2)	Somewhat (1)	No (0)
Is this conflict deeply emotional to you?	Is this conflict deeply emotional to you? Yes (2)	Is this conflict deeply emotional to you? Somewhat (1)	Is this conflict deeply emotional to you? No (0)
Do you feel very angry or frustrated about this conflict?	Do you feel very angry or frustrated about this conflict? Yes (2)	Do you feel very angry or frustrated about this conflict? Somewhat (1)	Do you feel very angry or frustrated about this conflict? No (0)
Is this conflict deeply rooted in your past hurts or grievances?	Is this conflict deeply rooted in your past hurts or grievances? Yes (2)	Is this conflict deeply rooted in your past hurts or grievances? Somewhat (1)	Is this conflict deeply rooted in your past hurts or grievances? No (0)
Do you feel this conflict is mainly their fault?	Do you feel this conflict is mainly their fault? Yes (2)	Do you feel this conflict is mainly their fault? Somewhat (1)	Do you feel this conflict is mainly their fault? No (0)

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* 7. Below, rank order so the category with the most yes responses is first, the second most is next, etc. (you can add the numbers to assist in this assessment).

WHY does it matter to you?

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* 8. Select three of the words below that you think best describe what is at stake for YOURSELF. What do you feel is threatened or frustrated in the relationship/over the issue with this person? Ask yourself, WHAT is bothering ME about my relationship with this person? And WHY?

Resources (I think this person doesn't allocate time, money and other tangible goods effectively)

Goals/Objectives (our ideas about the future and how to pursue it are very different)

Agenda (our plans or priorities clash)

Respect/Recognition (I am not fully seen, heard or appreciated by this person)

Safety (I feel insecure around this person)

Predictability (things are unpredictable and hard to manage with this person)

Participation (my input is not sufficiently sought, heard or valued by this person)

Trust (I feel I am not taken at my word)

Understanding (I feel misunderstood)

Other (please specify)

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* 9. Using the three words selected above, again describe your main issue with them. Why it matters to you? (You might want to review what you answered in #3.)

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* 10. Have you tried to address this issue?

By direct conversation?

By formal or information third party assistance?

Other (please specify)

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* 11. Did it help?

A lot

A little

Not at all

Made it worse

Other (please specify)

Part Two: From other side's perspective...

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* 12. Before you continue, take a moment to catch your breath. Perhaps take a short break, take a walk or have a cup of tea.

Now, try your best to take the other side's perspective about this issue with you. Put yourself in their shoes and try to describe one main issue that you think is troubling them in their relationship with you. Briefly describe, from their perspective, what has happened and how long it has it been going on. Do you think they blame you for it?

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* 13. Do you think this is Primarily a Resource-Based Dispute for them?

	Yes (2)	Somewhat (1)	No (0)
From their perspective do you think this dispute about competition over scarce resources (e.g. time or money, material goods or services)?	From their perspective do you think this dispute about competition over scarce resources (e.g. time or money, material goods or services)? Yes (2)	From their perspective do you think this dispute about competition over scarce resources (e.g. time or money, material goods or services)? Somewhat (1)	From their perspective do you think this dispute about competition over scarce resources (e.g. time or money, material goods or services)? No (0)
Is this person having disagreements with you over who gets what and when?	Is this person having disagreements with you over who gets what and when? Yes (2)	Is this person having disagreements with you over who gets what and when? Somewhat (1)	Is this person having disagreements with you over who gets what and when? No (0)
If necessary resources were unlimited or better shared, would they think the dispute would go away?	If necessary resources were unlimited or better shared, would they think the dispute would go away? Yes (2)	If necessary resources were unlimited or better shared, would they think the dispute would go away? Somewhat (1)	If necessary resources were unlimited or better shared, would they think the dispute would go away? No (0)
Can this person pinpoint specific resources at stake?	Can this person pinpoint specific resources at stake? Yes (2)	Can this person pinpoint specific resources at stake? Somewhat (1)	Can this person pinpoint specific resources at stake? No (0)

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* 14. Do you think this is primarily an Objective or Goal-Based Problem for them?

	Yes (2)	Somewhat (1)	No (0)
Does this person think you two have incompatible goals or agendas?	Does this person think you two have incompatible goals or agendas? Yes (2)	Does this person think you two have incompatible goals or agendas? Somewhat (1)	Does this person think you two have incompatible goals or agendas? No (0)
Does this person think you have different preferred futures?	Does this person think you have different preferred futures? Yes (2)	Does this person think you have different preferred futures? Somewhat (1)	Does this person think you have different preferred futures? No (0)
Do you think this person found it hard to communicate their priorities to you?	Do you think this person found it hard to communicate their priorities to you? Yes (2)	Do you think this person found it hard to communicate their priorities to you? Somewhat (1)	Do you think this person found it hard to communicate their priorities to you? No (0)
Does this person think your goals and objectives are zero sum (e.g. either you get them met or they do)?	Does this person think your goals and objectives are zero sum (e.g. either you get them met or they do)? Yes (2)	Does this person think your goals and objectives are zero sum (e.g. either you get them met or they do)? Somewhat (1)	Does this person think your goals and objectives are zero sum (e.g. either you get them met or they do)? No (0)

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* 15. Do you think this is primarily an Identity-Based Conflict for them?

	Yes (2)	Somewhat (1)	No (0)
Is this conflict deeply emotional to this person?	Is this conflict deeply emotional to this person? Yes (2)	Is this conflict deeply emotional to this person? Somewhat (1)	Is this conflict deeply emotional to this person? No (0)
Does this person feel very angry or frustrated about this conflict?	Does this person feel very angry or frustrated about this conflict? Yes (2)	Does this person feel very angry or frustrated about this conflict? Somewhat (1)	Does this person feel very angry or frustrated about this conflict? No (0)
Is this conflict deeply rooted in this person's past hurts or grievances?	Is this conflict deeply rooted in this person's past hurts or grievances? Yes (2)	Is this conflict deeply rooted in this person's past hurts or grievances? Somewhat (1)	Is this conflict deeply rooted in this person's past hurts or grievances? No (0)
Does this person feel this conflict is mainly your fault?	Does this person feel this conflict is mainly your fault? Yes (2)	Does this person feel this conflict is mainly your fault? Somewhat (1)	Does this person feel this conflict is mainly your fault? No (0)

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* 16. Below, please rank order according to your responses above.

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* 17. Select three of the words below that you think best describe what is at stake for this person. What do you feel is threatened or frustrated for them in their relationship with you? Ask yourself, WHAT do I think is bothering this person about this issue with me? And WHY?

Resources (this person thinks I don't allocate time, money and other tangible goods effectively)

Goals/Objectives (this person feels our ideas about the future and how to pursue it are very different)

Agenda (this person thinks our plans and priorities clash)

Respect/Recognition (this person feels not fully seen, heard or appreciated by me)

Safety (this person feels insecure around me)

Predictability (this person feels things are unpredictable and hard to manage with me)

Participation (this person feels they don't matter that much to me; that their input is not sought, heard or valued by me)

Trust (this person feels not taken at their word by me)

Understanding (this person feels misunderstood by me)

Other comments or reflections?

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* 18. This time, from what you think may be their perspective, using the three words selected above, describe again what you think is their main issue with you. Why do you think it matters to them? (You might want to review answer #12.)

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* 19. Has this person tried to address this issue?

By direct communication?

By formal or informal third party support?

Other (please specify)

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* 20. HOW? - NEXT STEPS

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* 21. In preparing to brainstorm next steps, review #7 and rank the type of issue at stake for you.

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* 22. Do the same for your ranking of their issues in #16.

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* 23. Now, review your response to questions 9 and 18. Try to write a new, joint definition of the issue by trying to combine these two responses as if you were a third party looking in from the outside. However, if this is too hard for you at this point, you can skip this and the following questions and perhaps save for a conversation with someone else later (e.g. a friend, ally, coach, mediator, therapist).

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* 24. Now quickly brainstorm up to six ideas for your next steps (e.g. do nothing more at this point, get a coach or therapist to help you process and determine next steps, reach out to other and suggest a mediation, etc.).

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* 25. How do you think the other side would respond to each of your ideas for next steps (including if you decide, for now anyway, not to reach out to them)?

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* 26. Finally, select two or three of your brainstormed ideas above and write down, in rank order of your preference, a working plan for how and when you will proceed, for each.